5 Online Dating Tips for Introverts

If you’re an introvert, you’re likely less energized by the idea of endless online dating prospects—and instead overwhelmed by it. The mere idea of endless meetups in a crowded bar is exhausting, and if you had a magic wand you’d wave it just get to the point of finding that special someone you can have long, deep conversations with over a quiet meal.

It’s because of this that the current dating landscape may seem like a better platform for extroverts who gain energy through social interaction rather than being depleted by it as us introverts do. But there are actually surprising aspects where introverts can thrive, such as 1 on 1 on a date, where they can put their sophisticated listening and conversational skills to work.

Whether you’re new to online dating or still trying to figure it out, here are five tips to try:

1. Choose a Quiet Location for Your First Date

It can be a coffee shop, a bookstore, or a low-key café. And for a first date especially, consider starting with a daytime date. While some people live for a noisy bar or downtown gallery opening, others shrink away from this kind of scene, especially if they're meeting someone new or in the early stages of dating. If you date suggests one of these lively locales, don't be afraid to suggest a lower key alternative. It's not only empowering for you, but it also gives them a chance to see a different side of you, giving them a glimpse of your relational style, and for you to get a better sense on how they respond. 

2. Manage Your Time Wisely

Tell your date when you need to leave . . . at the beginning of the date. This way, you can manage your energy levels and also maintain some mystery for the next date—should you want to see them again!

Managing expectations is key in relationships, but especially as you navigate the early dating stages with someone new. But in this case, where you want to conserve your precious social energy, giving yourself a block of time for a date will help you manage your time while also respectfully establishing boundaries with the other person. Of course, if you have an immediate connection and you find yourself losing track of time while together, then that is a good thing and your established time should be tossed out of the window!

3. Sharing is Caring

Introverts love asking questions because it deflects attention from them. It’s actually a superpower because most people—especially more extroverted people—love talking about themselves. The downside with this approach is that people don’t get to know you as well. Keep asking those thoughtful questions, but make sure you date is also getting to know you, by sharing relevant snippets about yourself along the way. 

On our first date my now husband joked to me, “Is this an interview?” And I realized in that moment that I was asking way too many questions. As an introvert—and a curious one at that—I am aware that being inquisitive takes some of the attention on me. I remember replying to him, “No, I just want to get to know you,” which was 100% true, though I was clearly a little off-putting with all my questions. The date obviously went well, and he says to this day that it was love at first sight for him, so all my questions were clearly not that off-putting, but I took his gentle pushback to heart.

For introverts who can be reserved in the beginning and hate talking about themselves, I advise you to find something you’re comfortable sharing in the early stages in between your curious question-asking. Finding a way to discover common ground between the two of you will help: perhaps you’re both into music festivals, single-origin coffee, first-edition Judy Blume books (that would be me!), etc. Approaching your curiosity through thoughtful sharing will build your dating confidence while also making you more relatable, building meaningful connection along the way.

4. Stack Them

The seeming abundance of viable dating prospects may make you want to go on several dates a week, but that can be wearing on an introvert. Stick to 2-3 dates max a week. And, if it works for you, consider stacking a couple first dates on a Saturday when you have no other plans, sticking to a time limit for each. 

This tip requires some strategy because it could easily get out of hand if you let it. Given the seeming endless online prospects on dating apps, you could go on handfuls of dates a week; in more urban areas, dozens even. And that is certainly one approach if you either (a) love dating or (b) have a goal of finding your soulmate in the end.

To some extent, finding your person is a numbers game just as much as it is consciously putting yourself out there. But as with all things, intentional dating should be a marathon and not a sprint. Meaning that stopping for the proverbial bottle of Gatorade or an energy bar along the way is going to set you up for success.

So when I say, “Stack Them” I don’t advise going on more than three consecutive dates, keeping in mind that these are short, first dates only. And make sure to limit them to 45 minutes max per date, while building in critical introvert wind-down time after!

5. Fail Fast

If you're not into someone you're going to know within the first five minutes. Trust your gut and let them know politely by text after your first date. Don't delay; it's only fair to them and doing so will save you precious engery in the long-run. 

I wish I had heeded this critical advice when I began my post-divorce dating journey. Instead, I was too nice and agreeable, favoring everyone else’s feelings over my own, even going on second dates if I wasn’t into the person. If I had known I was going to meet my husband when I did, I would have left previous relationships sooner and taken breaks in between dating.

The days are long and the years are short. So, make every part of it count, which means calling it quits as soon as your gut speaks to you. That doesn’t mean being rude by ghosting people or telling them every single thing you dislike about them. But it does mean texting them in a timely fashion when you know it’s not the right fit. You owe them that respect. Text them as soon as you know and I promise you will feel lighter and happier and free to move forward toward your goal of finding the right person for you.

If you’re seeking support as you navigate your dating journey, contact me for a complimentary consult here.